Trigger Warning: body image, abuse, near death experience, out of body experience
Under the influence of perfectly maneuvered red neon lighting, while facing the mirror, I could see each visible curve perfectly laid out throughout my body. It was a perfect sentiment. It was as visible, vivid, and alluring as Amsterdam’s Red Light District house. My shoulders looked wide and robust built like those of an athlete.
I thought about how small my waist looked in diameter and proportion to my big hips and middle section. My most admiring feature about myself would have been my long blonde, highlighted, tiny luscious curls. My hair defined my femininity! It defined me. After all, a woman’s hair is her biggest attribute.
The soft neutral features of my face and my dark brown eyes looked straight ahead at the mirror, focused. My hair at the time lay just below my shoulders. It layout like an Afro, not in its texture but in thickness and volume. And we all know the day you decide to wear your natural Afro it screams “confidence” the same way red lipstick screams “I conquer”.
Red lipstick, also a highlight of mine, given that the environment, mood, and self-esteem are just right. Red lipstick represents luxury, lusciousness, and empowerment. Red, being the color of power and assertiveness, represents the physical energy of lust, passion, and desire. The same way the red neon lighting set the mood for seduction and romance.
While wearing a light-colored shirt, under such lighting I stood out in the room, in the mirror anyhow. And, of course, in my mind! It wasn’t just in my mind though. I was very carefully placed on the stand of being adulated.
Who was this individual worshipping me? Who was the person that was setting the perfect environment and conditions for hormones of oxytocin to be released? Oh, and I haven’t even told you the most intriguing part yet. While all of this was going on, he would stare at me in the mirror with affection in his eyes, with blatant desire. Yet, I wasn’t wearing red lipstick! I wasn’t wearing lingerie or the petite little black dress. Neither was I attracting or luring a new mate.
Now, before I break this beautiful intensity of lust and desire, before this imagination explodes into a gazillion pieces and vanishes right before your eyes let me tell you this; this one particular memory may be imprinted in my mind possibly for eternity.
It was March 4th, the month of rebirth
Renewal and awakening
Blossoming flowers and trees…
While new life was forming at every glimpse
She was destined to reset her alarm switch
So she joined a gym!
There, she met Mr. Charming
Who was so charismatic and flare!
He started twirling her mind with ideas and wits
About how she was perfect, in all possible ways.
Feeling red flags,
She set up her wall
It was so high and sturdy,
that nothing could crack by
Until one day he gave her the stare.
Which crumbled her wall apart in nothing less than a day.
It took another 10 months until she was on the edge!
He used those very crumbs.
To give her attention.
And a little respect.
a bit of human decency?
Once the crumbs were all gone
The attention had stopped!
Leaving her wondering, what happened?
Or where she went wrong?
With much-needed Research
The truth all set in.
It was nothing more than a Narcissistic Flair.
And it was time to “STEP AWAY”
And the worst part of all was that she had an emotional affair!
While on register she belonged with another man!
And then the healing begins!
Therefore, I am back!
Free from the labyrinth!
With enlightenment in my soul and seeing life as beautiful as it is again!
Lives for another day
the whole cycle again!
Such people tap into areas of your mind you never knew existed. The astonishing feelings of being fed crumbs, time and time again also came at the expense of my psychological warfare, my integrity, my worth as a woman, as a mother, and as a wife. I was at the peak of my strength, in terms of physical appearance but also endurance and strength; meanwhile, my mental health was crashing before my very eyes.
The severity of the abuse killed me from the inside out. My physical body was very much there whilst my mind was slowly dying. Dreaming above the clouds is this fake reality that a target creates in their mind and all of the other symptoms one experiences best suit the symptoms of a dissociative disorder. This happens as a way of the brain protecting itself from the abuse one is enduring without one’s conscious awareness. For myself these symptoms included:
- Feeling like you’re outside your body, sometimes as if you’re looking down on yourself from above
- Feeling detached from yourself as if you have no actual self
- Numbness in your mind or body, as if your senses are turned off
- Feeling as if you can’t control what you do or say
- Feeling as if parts of your body are the wrong size
It is needless to say that I have experienced all of the above. As a result of this trauma, I had an out-of-body experience three times, relatively speaking, while reassessing the situation in my mind. This is common among people who have experienced a near-death experience which we are typically aware of and have heard about such occurrence. An out of body, however, is also noted in patients with epilepsy, migraine, brain injuries, depression, and anxiety.
Before this experience, I never knew what anxiety or depression felt like. I was the lady with the big beautiful smile. For split seconds, I would step out of my body; and could see myself laying in my bed or outside in the snow as I would be walking or be playing with my kids. I felt numb and detached from myself, I lost my identity!
The feeling as if body parts are the wrong size of your body is almost like in a Tom & Jerry episode. And I am not referring to the idea of not being satisfied with the way a part of our body looks. I am not talking about body dysmorphia. It is something a lot more extravagant; not to dismiss dysmorphia in any way and the seriousness of the disease.
What I am referring to is, the experience feels is as if my head just blew up out of proportion as if someone pumped air into my head, and it became three times larger than its actual size. I had the same experience with my legs on numerous occasions. Therefore, in an near death experience your physical body is dying whereas with an out of body experience I was dying internally.
In both instances the same result takes place; your soul leaves your body and as a result, you can see your physical body from outside of yourself. Among depersonalization disorder, many other symptoms arise from the trauma. Anxiety, depression, PTSD which may potentially leave lifelong imprints on the brain.
So yes, before the storm all is calm, all is beautiful, the intensity of the supposed interest, lust and desire, honesty and sincerity is gripping. In fact, for as long as you are under Cupid’s spell you are under the control of a master puppeteer! The master puppeteer needs you to play by his rules and the moment you stray from those rules you get punished. Cupid, tentatively through his actions says, “I want you revering me” but it must stay at that. And also:
“You are a woman you cannot and will not tell me how you feel because that is a shame. You will not tell me how I made you feel. You must keep it to yourself; yet you must adore me, respect me and simply keep quiet but you must also apologize. Apologize for what you have accused me of, because that is inaccurate. And I shall accept your apology with the only exception that I will target and treat you the same once again, given that and when my narcissistic supply is running low”!
I spoke my mind as I was encouraged. In what felt like a split second, the man who took me to Amsterdam took me through the intense trance state of ecstasy, he decided that he would feed me to the wolves.
Healthline, Understanding Depersonalization and Derealization Disorder. Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg. Ph.D., CRNP- Written by Crystal Raypole. February 1, 2019. Https://www.healthline.com/health/depersonalization-disorder#how-to-help
Shkendi Ibishi has been writing since February 2021. There will be a day when she puts her trauma behind her, but it haunts her at night that she can’t do anything to stop this kind of abuse from happening to others.