(Autumn)
(1)
The dog days of summer rush onto us
Like New England’s lush waterfalls
I am hiding where I can be seen
Moms in the kitchen
Speaking with the school
“Send her away!” she exclaims, “It’s easier that way!”
She’s giddy
Drowning in unresolved pain
In the distance I hear the rain
(2)
Once upon a time
In a faraway place
There lived a girl
And nothing made sense
The world was given to her
The catch
“as is”
She wasn’t happy
They told her to repress
she was causing distress
(3)
Boarding school years
Go by like the paint that dry on the dorm room walls
slow
like the autumn rain that falls
drop by drop
Uneventful
I hate it here
(4)
Last year feels like centuries ago
We were bold
And wild
And free
Late nights
The trouble we got into
Raging passion
Sleepless nights
Hormones raced
We sped the streets
Dangerous
unstoppable
Nothing could scare us
They were my friends
Now we’re strangers
(5)
Classes are boring
It’s the same everywhere
But I’ve met people here
He’s called West
Her name is Shay
Best friends
From the same town
“You a good time?” one asks
I shake my head
That’s not me anymore
But I’m tired of emptiness
Of being a bore
I want to unwind
“Room 225” she says
“After hours” he adds
I am back
(Winter)
(1)
They were free
The way I used to be
It all came back to me
An adrenalin rush
Shay and I smoked cigarettes outside
Hidden by the oversized apple trees
So cold
We almost froze
“tell me your secrets?” she practically begged
No one had ever told her their truths
Their desires
“You can trust me” she said between puffs
(2)
It was always Shay and me
Or West and Shay and me
It was kind of weird
Just West and me
Nerve wrecking
Naughty
A good kind of bad
He looked at me
Right through me
He never looked at me like that before
After hours
I ‘d snuck into the boys dorms
Christmas music played in the halls
No one saw me smuggle myself in
Only for a minute do I think twice
But if I wasn’t supposed to be here then I would have got caught
Right?
His hands caress my face “she told me everything. She told me your truth.”
He kissed my lips. “I feel the same.”
I showed him the deepest parts of my soul
(3)
I didn’t betray you
I helped you
She said
Took the fear from you
Breathed life into you
I needed that life
To again feel alive
(4)
The winter was long
Moved slow
Moved strong
It took me to places I ‘d never been
The fun of firsts
The confidence of friends
A chance romance
Then winter break hit
The friends went home for the holidays
Waited for Mom to call
She said that she was stuck working this year
Make it up to you in spring
How does Paris sound?
Like lies
But I don’t deny
I miss them so much
They send me snaps from back at their homes
Family photos
They look happy
Their lives are happy
I can’t help but to be drunk on jealousy
(5)
They came back different but the same
We partied together
We laid together
After hours we always played our games
Me and him
Her and me
Tangled up in the sheets
It was as if we
The three of us
Spoke a language different from the rest
Like only we existed in this realm
(Spring)
(1)
With the warm temps
Came the shift
It always came eventually
I hated the shift more than life
It left me lonely and depressed
Everyone was right about them
Once their desires were filled
Fantasies of new
They always moved on
My heart was heavy with tears
I will love them forever
(2)
“When you’re a girl.” My mother would say, “you must get used to pain.”
This is when my fear was born
The pain of menstruation, the pain of labor, the pain of heartbreak, starring into your eyes, the pain of the objectification of your sex of your youth, the pain of beauty, a dangerous thing, because sometimes it was possible to have too much of a good thing, sometimes not enough, the fear of uncertainty, the pain of dancing in the darkness with men, the pain becomes almost like an old friend
(3)
Drowning in my own womanhood
I hear them chat around the sink
Drops of blood splatter the floor
My classmates are here
I wonder if they see the mess my bodies made
The balled-up toilet paper in my hands
Wipes the drops of blood from the floor
But stains linger
The girl chat quiets down as they exit
A hand knocks on the stall door
“You okay?”
It can’t be, “Shay?”
“You, okay?” she asks, “It’s been a while.”
“I miss you so much.”
“I miss you more.”
(4)
I was knocked breathless by the call
(Summer)
(1)
Butterflies soared inside of me
When I saw him
I’d seen him around
But we hadn’t talked since the shift
“Maya.” He said, “still the most beautiful name”
Shay was easy to forgive
She wanted nothing from me
Nothing I could give
I didn’t know if I could trust him again
(2)
We went away
To the furthest of places
Reconciled with our bodies
Summer’s air breathing new life into me
Feelings of nostalgia
(3)
The year came to a roaring end
An epilogue of thoughts and memories
Moving on and out
Stuck
With no place to go
The things I long to do
The places I want to go
(4)
“Come home.”
She said
It was everything I wanted
Everything I needed
(5)
Right back where I started
Mom in the kitchen
Me hiding in plain sight
We’re back at it again
The familiarity of the lush waterfalls New England air
Under appreciated
Revelling in the mundane
I’ll never forget them
I’ve got two souvenirs
My name is Bianca Brummell and I am an inspiring young adult/ chicklit writer and I have a YouTube channel called Bianca Melrose where I talk about pop culture and chick flicks. One of my biggest dreams is to publish a novel one day. I’ve written a young adult manuscript called, Bitchfield. It’s about 90,000 words and I am working on editing it and and hopeful to get an agent soon. I’ve lived in Los Angeles previously but currently live in the Chicago suburbs.
Featured Image by Fariz Rizky Naufal on Unsplash
