Here I Am

April 23, 2021

I wake up.

Every day. The same ceiling.

“How long has it been?” I ask my mom and she says it’s been almost a year.

A year.

That’s twelve months.

Twelve months without going to school. Without being able to hug my friends.

A year of anxiety beyond measure.

A year of having to wear a mask.

A year.

 

I eat breakfast. The same breakfast I’ve had for the past week, at least.

What classes do I have today? What day is it anyway?

Time just doesn’t exist anymore.

It isn’t relevant.

 

 

I open my laptop.

Scrolling through my mail.

A new assignment in my civics class.

And another. And a new assignment in my math class. Actually 3.

Let’s see… To do.

Yet another missing assignment.

So many.

Still got to check canvas.

Another test due today. I’ll probably fail it.

I always fail checkpoints.

 

 

Check my grades.

Good, A, yep… and then there’s chemistry.

I’ve dropped another letter grade.

Why? The class I work the hardest in, I get the lowest grade.

Why? I turn in all my assignments a day late.

Why?

 

 

Why?

 

 

What day is it? What month is it? February?

Easter is coming. That’s nice – except we can’t have Easter Egg hunts.

My birthday is coming. Great. My sweet sixteen won’t be too sweet, will it.

No – not right now. I need to focus.

 

 

I feel like my head is about to explode.

The words of the principal echo in my head.

“Remember, safety and health are our top concerns right now.”

But I am safe.

I am healthy.

Right?

 

 

I have no excuse to be this bad.

I’ll probably have to drop a class.

I feel like I am falling down a deep, deep hole,

A hole I’ll never be able to climb out of…

The light at the top is slowly shrinking smaller

And it gets harder and harder to breathe

Colder and colder,

And colder

 


I never thought this would be me. The girl who is failing a class.

The girl who is happy to get a B.

This is what I’ve become.

Are you happy, COVID?

You’ve managed to turn us all into depressed teenagers.

 

 

When it all started, I thought maybe this would be a good thing.

It would give us time for self-reflection,

I can figure out who I really am.

Is this who I really am?

I don’t want it to be.

 

 

I’m lonely.

I scroll through Instagram.

I’m lonely.

I see all my friends from middle school still hanging out.

Lonely.

I realize no one likes me.

No one cares.

I am a loser. 

Lonely.

But I have a twin,

A family

Lonely… 

At least we’re lonely together.

 

 

Hey, well, at least I have my family.

I gotta be grateful.

Grateful.

Don’t complain – be more grateful.

Some people are starving.

Some people’s parents died of the virus.

Grateful.

 

 

I should spend more time with my family.

No – I don’t have the time.

I should be working on school.

I should be working on school.

I should be working on school.

 

 

Why does my head keep spinning?

Why do I keep asking myself questions – questions I can’t answer?

Why can’t I just sit down and focus?

Why?

 

 

Am I really not working hard enough?

No, I’m not.

I spend too much time watching anime.

I could be working harder.

I need to work harder.

Who spends an hour a day watching TV?

I should be doing schoolwork. 

I could be doing schoolwork.

 

 

It’s all my fault.

I’m the reason I’m failing a class.

It’s because of me.

Me.

I can do better.

But I don’t want to.

I should be doing schoolwork.

But I don’t want to.

I’m tired. So tired.

 

 

I shouldn’t even be writing this right now.

I could be doing schoolwork.

But I don’t want to.

 

 

I could be volunteering right now,

Making an impact on the world.

Or I could sleep.

Or I could write this.

 

 

Is this a waste of time?

No. I shouldn’t think that.

I am getting out my feelings.

Am I really?

Is it worth the time?

I could be doing school.

I could be doing music practice.

I could be taking care of my pets.

I could be spending time with my family.

 

 

Or I could be doing this?

And I am.

 

Mitra Samei

Mitra Samei is a young writer of all sorts – poetry, stories, comics, screenplays… you name it! Although, writing wise, her main passion is visual storytelling in the form of comics and animated stories. Aside from writing, she enjoys singing, dancing, and acting as well as caring for her reptiles and watching anime with her twin sister.

 

Photo by Cut Collective on Unsplash

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