Let me set the scene: I was at work between jobs, sitting on the floor between a cabinet and my boss’s empty desk, probably doing homework or whatever else I did between seeing clients. If I know myself at all, my One Direction blanket was with me. The night manager, Jeremy, was at his desk doing whatever night managers do at work, his personal Spotify playing in the background instead of my own Louis Tomlinson, which he frequently and generously played because I basically lived in the office at that point, and I freaking yearn for some good ol’ Louis T.
In the midst of our quiet work, he turned to me seriously. “Can I ask you a question?”
I said he could.
“If you were a dog, who would you bite?”
I thought it over for a moment.
“Can I be a cat?” I asked.
He said I could.
A few people flashed through my head that upon further investigation, I would definitely never want to bite. There’s a level of disdain that is too high to want to have your mouth anywhere near them. So the first person who came to mind who actually felt like a valid answer was Harry Styles. “I’m not sure why, though,” I said, “‘cause I like him.”
But the affectionate undertone is what makes it a good bite, you see. For me, a slight irritation but overall love makes the perfect bite.
While the question of exactly who I would bite was hard to answer, I automatically had a reason why I would bite every single one of the 1D boys. Humble reader, I understand you’re dying to know. Here, in the order I thought of them, they are.
Harry Styles
Why did Harry Styles so readily come to my mind as someone I should bite? The truth is Harry is someone who has been irritating me quite a bit recently. I tried to pin down a reason, like my evil side (so maybe my evil cat side?) being frustrated by how Zayn gets blamed for breaking up the band when Harry, by his own admission, wanted it first. But it’s not right to blame people for things they did ten years ago, nor for their feelings, nor for trying to end something that needed to end. Besides, that’s common knowledge that didn’t really bother me until it was said to me in the exact right way (rather meanly) at the exact right time (after a certain other person was dead). I wondered if it’s because he reads a bit like a white liberal boy best friend who spends so much time talking about feminism that you, an actual woman, can’t get a word in edgewise, drowning in the self-righteousness of a masculine ally. But that’s not a good reason to bite someone, certainly not someone I don’t even know personally, because that sort of behavior is surrounded by well-meaningness. No, I then realized that my irritation with Harry isn’t actually about Harry at all.
It’s the fans who are unbearable. My family once said I didn’t have to take my disdain for Harry out on the fans, but that’s where my disdain truly lies. If anything, I’m taking my disdain for the fans out on Harry. I can’t mention my boy band studies without someone needing to declare their undying love for Harry Styles, can’t even look at an endearing picture of the five boys on Pinterest without someone in the comments demanding we focus on Harry. And we’ve all seen a YouTube compilation that makes fun of all the boys in their awkward teenage stages in equal measure except for Harry, of whom an ill word is never said. He’s like the new JT: curly-haired, inescapable, and a guy whose band we can’t talk about without talking about him specifically, which is funny considering he’s the boy who talks about the band the least. He’s placed on a pedestal that must be hard to stand on. First, for his kindness, but no one is perfectly good and kind all the time. He’s also not the only boy from the band to pursue kindness in his everyday actions, not by a long shot, but Directioner discourse would have you think he’s God’s gift to mankind. And that’s all to set his physical appearance, vocals, and songwriting ability aside–all of which are good, but he’s not the only boy in the band who has those things to offer.
So maybe I should actually be biting Harries instead of Harry himself, because they’re the ones I actually dislike. This ain’t about them, though.
Louis Tomlinson
Louis’s on record of not being too fond of cats. You know the face of disdain when a dog person is asked about cats. I would bite him, like, take it back.
This question also makes me remember the time Louis famously played a Bond villain cat on James Corden’s show, so Niall could audition to be James Bond. Maybe in that case, I would bite him as we engage in an evil cat fight.
Zayn Malik
I’m much less tempted to bite Zayn in my cat form than the former two boys, I think because Zayn famously raises chickens. As a cat, I know I’d much rather bite them than Zayn himself. I’d probably bite Zayn only as he attempts to protect his chickens from my evil cat wrath.
Niall and Liam
After briefly outlining some of those reasons to Jeremy, I said I wouldn’t bite the remaining two boys. Niall’s perfect, and Liam’s dead.
However, that’s a quitter’s answer, so now that my morbid coping humor has gotten its moment to shine, I’ve given some more thought to why I would bite Niall and Liam.
Niall Horan
Forgive me, but I genuinely can’t think of a reason I would bite Niall except for out of affection. You can do no wrong, Niall. Keep it up. Have an evil cat love bite.
(Wait not like that–)
I understand what I just said about Harry being put on a pedestal by his infamous fans. I understand that Niall can actually do wrong and deserves that grace as much as anyone else. However, in the band and the fandom, it’s more or less a running joke that Niall is the perfect angel. Who could forget the moment on the Up All Night Tour when a fan’s tweet asking “Who is perfect, no matter what?” was projected onto the stage, and all the boys turned and pointed at Niall?
Liam Payne
Oh, Liam. Where to start with this kid? I can only imagine I’d bite him for the stuff he says. You know the kind—like when the boys were in Japan (as shown in their 2013 film One Direction: This Is Us), and Payno said he was surprised by how cold it was because Australia was “quite near.” The Made in the A.M. interview where he was asked what time he would like to go to in the past, and he answered with “Dinosaurs, mate, straight up.” That time on Ellen’s show when he literally thought he had made up the word “psychiatry.”
You know, stuff like that.
In freaking conclusion
I’ve made myself sick with anxiety trying to decide how to end an essay like this. I guess maybe it would be appropriate to talk about how the root of all these bites is love for the boys, and how love for the boys is also the root of boy band culture. However, it is absolutely not that deep. I had one friend suggest an interpretive dance, which could be good considering the subject matter but doesn’t fit well with the essay format. Besides, One Direction isn’t a dancing boy band, so that doesn’t make a ton of sense. I had another writer suggest I get into the literal definition of the bite, suggesting I write about “what does it mean to bite someone? What does it mean to sink your teeth into something and not let go?” But respectfully, what the frick? If we were to talk about that, we’d definitely talk about how I imagine myself absolutely letting go. Blood doesn’t flow if your teeth are still in the wound, my guys.
But that’s an unhinged thought even for me. So, as One Direction didn’t say in their third album, Midnight Memories, why don’t we not go there?
Elizabeth Day is an author, poet, blogger, and playwright from Las Vegas, Nevada. Her work has been featured in The Just Girl Project, Empyrean Literary Magazine, Contemporary Jo, Hey Young Writer, and Fterota Logia. She is a student at Southern Utah University studying English education with a creative writing emphasis and double minors in theater and film. You can find her on Instagram @itsanadventur.
Featured image by Olivia Connell on Unsplash.
