They claim your first love is in your youth—
A love so stupid that even you question it now,
But it’s still love.
My first love was forbidden.
One step more,
And everything would shatter.
Friendship led to a protector,
Our roads always parted,
But we always came back.
Until one day,
The road took us in different directions.
While you lived,
I stayed
And fell down the rabbit hole
Where you haunted my dreams.
They claim your second love is your biggest heartbreak.
My second love
Was unexpectedly disastrous.
Friendship led to desire—
Our stares would burn this world
And transport us to a new world.
It was the dance of hands:
Who would take the first step?
Who will cross that threshold?
Who will break the most?
In front of me, you had a different side.
To the world, you were someone else.
It felt special to be in your proximity,
But it was all a fallacy.
What did you gain?
It was a constant push and pull
Until one day you pushed against me.
What went wrong?
Was it a game to you?
Did you enjoy toying and breaking the illusion you created?
The two sides you showed were perplexing.
The side given to me was so fragile,
As if you trusted me.
Your kindness, closeness, and ability to ask for forgiveness
Was unexpected,
But it lured me like bait.
Your coldness, distance, and rudeness
Was unexpected,
But it led me to a broken heart.
In the end, I will never know the reason why.
Did you know you were the first I cried tears for?
I learned disappointment is a different heartbreak
What once was
Vanished into thin air.
Do I hate you or thank you
For shattering that dream?
Do I hate you or thank you
For giving me a lesson that I didn’t want but somehow needed?
My third love,
Please don’t come.
The emotions that overcome me
Take a toll.
One that takes a while to recover.
My third love,
Please don’t come.
Until you are ready.
Until you are healed.
Until you see me as an equal and not someone to shatter.
Until you can lend me your strength in the darkest days.
Until you can bring the best version of myself.
Until you can promise me something real.
My heart only has space for one more,
And after that
I might not be able to pick up what’s left behind.
Nidia Rodriguez is pursuing her MFA at University of San Francisco. Her writing deals with short and long fiction pieces. She is currently working on her thesis and hopefully fantasy debut novel in the near future.
Featured image by Jeremy Vessey on Unsplash.
