I want happy

I was told not to make mean jests,
Told not to attempt futile quests
I never make empty threats
I don’t want to be someone i’m not
I don’t punch and I do not scream
I was told not to be alone
I was told never to be mean
I don’t know who i’m supposed to be
I’m supposed to be myself
And still have friends
That’s a bit of a downward trend
I know life is short
I’m supposed to love myself
But I don’t have a clue what to do with everybody else
Love those around me
But not to the point of dependability
I’m supposed to have self-sacrifice
And yet still have a life
I’m supposed show true emotions
Until I make someone sad
Then all the sudden even the truest emotions are inherently bad
When can I be me?
Because honestly it feels impossible to just BE even more so to do it simply

There’s no easy way
You can get high, pissed, drunk, and broken
You can chase the impossible perfection
You can create your own isolation
But in the end it’s a marathon
And marathons suck
You can cling to rock refusing to climb
Take the pills and pretend to fight
You can live in chaos and say it’s all ok
But it’s a marathon
It’s a breathless run
It’s miles of circles in death valley
It’s hard as hell and often deadly.

i hate
i hate a lot

5% like pretty much empty but mostly functional
You’ve gotta be careful with what you do
What you decide to use
Stare at her texts
Filled with regret
Binge half a season
Wait for that one snap to load
Text the crisis line one more time
Listen to the song that makes everything fine
Maybe you’ll run to the charger
Continue life just tethered
Or watch it die slowly


Deep shit is hard
Sounding meaningful
Seeming wise but not condescending
Creating whimsical worlds
But with a new ending
Nothing insightful allows for ever after
Or harmony
Or boy meets girl and they start a family
It’s the chaos and pain and fights that won’t subside
It’s the underserved pride
And tears and fears of those who stopped wanting to try
The lessons that matter are the ones no one wants to hear
The ones the world fears telling

i want happy


Zoe's headshotZoe Tate is a high school student who writes to face the reality that is their depression.




Featured Image by averie woodard on Unsplash