Last night I looked at the mirror and was in shock. I looked ugly, or did I really?
I was not wearing any makeup, and my curly hair was frizzy and had lost its volume. My eyebrows needed trimming and plucking.
Even though it was nighttime, and I was alone, I still felt the need to put on makeup and style my hair. I still felt the need to look great even though no one was around, and I had no place to be, besides my dreams, since it was late, and I had to wake up early in the morning.
It made me wonder: Am I, a woman, allowed to be ugly? Do I have to be nicely groomed all the time? Will it ever change?
My answer: I hope so. Because it is exhausting looking good every minute of every day, right? Unfortunately, I do not think it is that easy. Beauty has always been a tool to oppress women.
My parents used to say, “Always wear what makes you comfortable.” While I do feel comfortable, I do not feel pretty. I know I am not supposed to say this, but it is the truth. If I am not pretty, I am not comfortable, because everyone is staring and picking on my looks. I have a pimple here and there, and it goes on and on.
As a woman you are always supposed to perform, if not for yourself then for others. Society is holding a big magnifying glass over women’s heads. Nothing is enough.
The female gaze is not real. Everything is controlled through the lens of the patriarchy. The male gaze holds such an immense power over us that even when we are alone in our beds we try to look desirable.
Honestly, it is sick. Every time I stare into a mirror, I notice the things that look ugly on me. My eyebrows are bushy and thick and not trimmed. My eyebags are so dark. The pimples on my forehead are so red and big. My belly is bloated, and I did not shave my legs.
Late at night, even though I was supposed to be sleeping, I plucked my eyebrows. I shaved my legs and my face. I did my skincare routine and body routine, even though I was so tired. When I finished, I felt prettier than before, which then made me feel comfortable but I could not deny the feeling of shame that washed over me. I let the beauty standards control me. I was not the strong feminist I pretended to be. I was dissatisfied with myself. I am so aware and yet so helpless. I am bending over to beauty standards.
Being ugly as a woman is a risk none of us can afford. Everybody knows that if you are pretty, you will have it easier in life. This especially applies to women of color.
I feel like, even though I am submitting myself to the beauty standards created by the patriarchy, I will never, ever reach them. It feels like I am running but not as fast enough as needed; therefore, I am still behind.
I wish that I could be ugly. I wish I was invisible to the male eye, so I could feel peace and no pressure about my existence.
Jasmin Acikgöz is a 20-year-old Turkish-German writer, born in Germany. She graduated from high school in June 2025. She uses writing as a way to explore emotions and questions of identity, her work often involves around social issues and experiences she has made in life so far. She’s currently on a spiritual journey.
Featured image by Rishabh Dharmani on Unsplash.
